THIS IS MY STORY…

MY CHILDHOOD

Born in Hannover, Germany I grew up in a family of immigrants; both my parents originally from Kazakhstan. Already within my early years, I came into contact with the many challenges within our family – whether it was the struggle to stay afloat financially, integrating into a culture vastly different from their own or their relentless pursuit for a better life.

I recall receiving love & recognition for being „good“, which was often tied to my ability to be obedient, and my performance, whether it was academically, in sports, music or art. I learned quickly that if I did everything „right“ and performed well, I'd garner the approval & validation I craved.

From a young age, I longed for my father's affection, but his presence often felt absent, either physically or emotionally, making a genuine connection challenging.

My mother, having faced her own challenges, tended to be overly protective, leaving little space for my innately adventurous, risk-taking and explorative nature.

At the age of 10, my life radically changed one day to the next when we moved across the world to Canada. This brought about massive shifts – a new language, new people and different rules of operating. Being “different”, I became more shy & timid, struggling to find my place among others.

EMERGING CHALLENGES

Entering my teenage years, difficulties became a constant. I often witnessed my parents' struggles, exposed to their outbursts and lasting conflicts. Tensions between my father started increasing. I quickly learned that my disobedience or inability to meet his expectations, would result in a withdrawal of love.

At school, I was teased and bullied for being different, small for my age & for my appearance – intensifying feelings of not belonging.

The anger I felt towards the disconnect in my family & abuse from my bullies turned inward, resulting in self-loathing, feelings of inadequacy & self-criticism.

I masked these emotions through my relentless pursuit of achievement, attempting to prove myself & be perfect at what I do.

I became hyper-vigilant, deeply attuned to my surroundings, regularly molding myself to fit in to meet my need for safety & acceptance.

At 17, after seven years in Canada, we moved back to Germany – a deeply troubling time for me, as reintegrating into the German culture proved to be incredibly challenging. Despite returning to the same city I grew up in, I felt different, perpetuating feeling of not belonging.

The vigilance and shyness that had developed, left me vulnerable to bullying once again in environments that were volatile and unpredictable. People I considered as friends would turn me into the laughing stock from one moment to the next, creating a sense of mistrust towards others and a pervasive feeling of unsafety."

BREAKING POINT

Entering my 20's my life was in full chaos – experiencing social anxiety, depression, low confidence, and constant confusion. After leaving school, I explored different directions in search of my path. However, with little foundation of who I was and what was important to me, this proved to be challenging. Eventually, I underwent an apprenticeship as a paramedic.

During this time, my struggle to form connections, be it romantic or friendly, was at its peak. Rooted in unresolved pain from my past, and a fear of getting hurt again, I moved through life as a „lone wolf“.

As a paramedic, I met many people at their most vulnerable – often at the end of their lives. Intuiting a sense of regret for the life they’d lived, these moments hit me deeply. I came to look at my own life honestly: The way I was living to other's expectations. How I'd hide myself and be in a constant chase for more. I knew a radical change was called for…

I decided to make a radical jump into the unknown by leaving for a two-month trip to Asia. These travels left a profound impact. Liberated from repetitive thought loops, and without the expectations of others, I discovered a sense of freedom. As I met new people, I brought curiosity to how I wanted to express myself. I came into contact with my inner guidance again, something I had cut myself off from for so many years.

After a near-drowning experience on a boat-trip in Thailand, I was struck by the deep fragility of my life. This experience awakened the courage within me to let go of the life I thought I should be living, and embark on a journey of finding my unique path. I left my life in Germany behind and ventured to Australia...

NEW BEGINNINGS

My travels came to extend to an almost eight year period. With the desire to discover how to experience lasting happiness and get to know my authentic expression, I faced many milestones, roadblocks and dead ends. I'd lose myself in different pursuits of chasing, over-indulgence, escapism and avoidance. Amid all my failed attempts, I came to slowly understand the futility of my pursuits – realizing how nothing was ever giving me the lasting sense of aliveness, freedom and joy I was longing for.

After a soul-crushing break-up in New Zealand and being confronted by the inner chaos that followed, the only place I could go was inwards. I was introduced to meditation, and became deeply interested in philosophy and psychology, attempting to find answers to my challenges. I came to understand some of the inner workings of my thoughts, emotions and behavior. I started finding refuge within my mediation practice, feeling the impact on my life. I became more peaceful, I felt more centered and experienced deeper confidence. The surging power that emerged, fueled a new direction in my life. I traveled to places such as South America, Africa and Asia in search of connecting deeper to myself and my life’s purpose. Some of the highlights were:

  • Experiencing plant medicine with indigenous shamans

  • Being stuck on a meditation cushion for a 10-day meditation retreat in Nepal

  • Doing a darkness retreat for 4 days in Bali

  • Being introduced to the magic of yoga and becoming a yoga teacher in India

  • Exploring the edges of intimacy with myself and others through tantra.

  • And the many little or big moments of meeting incredible humans

These experiences brought fundamental changes into my life:

Lifelong anxiety & depression that accompanied me, transformed into an underlying sense of peace. The low self-esteem I carried, shifted to an acceptance for who I am. What birthed was a yearning to support others through the skills, tools and experiences I cultivated. I trained to become a coach and started my own business.

My continued explorations across various disciplines has been nothing short of transformative, especially within men's work. Within this field, I got to address my lifelong wounds with men and all the ways I had disconnected from my masculine essence. I began to understand who I uniquely was as a man, embodying this into my being. I came to meet men who, like me, had fears, desires, hopes & challenges. I realized it wasn't just me who felt ill-equipped to navigate the journey of manhood; the majority of men I encountered shared very similar experiences. Recognizing this, I understood that the most meaningful work I could do was to support the lives of men:

To change the story of what it means to be a man & support them in cultivating the tools, skills & competencies that would allow them to flourish, whether it's connection to themselves, in their relationships or their business.

PRESENT DAYS

→ From being lost in self-sabotage to being able to lead myself powerfully.

→ From being a nice guy afraid to speak my truth to becoming relationally competent.

→ From living in disconnection to reconnecting back to my core.

Throughout my journey, I was able to create many shifts. Today, I know who I am with a deep sense of certainty and serve from a place of groundedness and stability. Anxiety and depression no longer dominate my life; instead contentment and inspiration have become the norm. Self-loathing and inner criticism have been alchemized into compassion and patience for myself. The safety I sought externally for many years is now an embodied inner experience. Deeply connected to my feeling state, I get to experience a sense of connection, aliveness and intimacy. With any intense emotion I experience, I now know how to work with it.

I’ve come to appreciate who I am and feel proud to be a man. The binary path prescribed to me about being a man is no longer my experience. Instead, I confidently walk an integrated middle way, where I know how to be strong and yet gentle at the same time. Fierce yet also heart-open.

It is now my great honor to support other men along this path of integration and provide the tools, so they too can experience this. After years of walking myself home, I'd be honored to support you on this path.

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